Week 13 of 48 : Broken hearts are good for character strength??

I made a promise way back when I first started this blog that I wouldn’t let too much personal stuff encroach. This was going to be for running only. Sometimes though it’s impossible. After all every part of our lives are intertwined. I spent many years keeping everything in my life compartmentalised into little boxes. I would take these boxes down one at a time but never would I let the boxes touch. After a particularly bad time in my life I started working on this. It’s not healthy to keep it all separate. I still struggle with it though and it causes me problems. It’s so hard for me and I don’t expect anyone to understand. I simply struggle to let things merge as it means if things go wrong in one area then it ‘infects’ other areas. I started to let some boxes touch. Three of them in fact. It backfired. My recent singledom has totally messed with me. I know that’s probably quite normal but I don’t like it. It’s made me distracted, sad, angry, relieved, sad, determined but yes mostly just incredibly sad. I don’t want the relationship back as that would be destructive but I do want my focus back. I also realise I went into the relationship for wrong reasons. I know she tried to support me and I really thought that it was genuine but bottom line is she felt that because of the running stuff she wasn’t a priority and I think the minimal communication during the Spine pushed her over the edge. I’m not making excuses for her and the way things ended hurt but with hindsight I can see how it got there. So it’s made me a bit sluggish this week. Last week training didn’t happen but this week when I should be chomping at the bit to get out there I have really struggled. Each plodding step and lungful of cold air has reminded me I’m alone in this. I’ll still do it and cross that 100 mile finish but I guess it’ll be a lonely reception. Don’t get all indignant and tell me I have lots of friends because I’m more than aware of that. This is a different emptiness. One I didn’t know was there when I was happily single. It’s made me stupidly melancholy for poor past choices and wrong paths followed. It’s made me question some decisions I made last year. It’s made me long for certain persons. I will stay single now though and keep the boxes separate as really it’s all I know how to do right. So yeah, I said all that to say this ….. I’m sad and running isn’t curing that right now so please bear with me while I find my smile.

Eddie was so lovely through this. No massive pressure on the plan. Literally Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were about getting back on my feet. No worries, no stress. 20 mins, 30 mins and 45 mins respectively. The Thursday session ended up happening on the Friday and only ended up being 25 minutes but again flexible does it. Nothing adventurous to write about the sessions but I did note that my legs didn’t hurt but my lungs stung. It’s bloody cold outside eh?

This weeks trip to the Lakes was for the official Lakeland recce of the Ambleside to Conniston leg. Saturday daytime was talks with the run starting later in the day. The talks were fun but informative. Marc Laithwaite is a good speaker without being patronising. Although I did start to get bored through the headtorch bit (sorry). They mentioned that last year the last person back on this recce came in at 12:01am ….. I was determined to not be that person. We set off at just after 4pm and I purposely put myself near the back as I knew I would be walking up that first hill. The air was super cold on my lungs and at the top I started coughing and genuinely thought I was going to be sick. If you’ll remember same thing happened with the cold air when I went for a jog with Debs (Martin-Consani) a few weeks back. Really need to get my lungs trained to cold air running. Anyway, I spent much of the first half by myself, which suits me and then towards the end seemed to naturally partner up with a couple of runners. Which was actually perfect as it meant I didn’t have to do the scary bit alone and also having others to try and keep in my sights meant I didn’t let tired legs slow me down. The bit about this recce is that I didn’t have to get my map out at all so it proved to me that lots of recce’s help. The two previous daytime jogs on this section really helped. So already making my plans for the next few months to cover the other section prior to race day. I did this section in a significantly quicker time than the previous runs and this was mainly due to it being night so not being distracted by the fabulous views. It also gave me lots of thinking time. I am aware though on race day I will have 34 tired miles in my legs by the time I hit Ambleside to start this bit so odds are I’ll be at a walk for most of it.

I was meant to get up and do a 40 minute jog before leaving the lakes and I’m ashamed to say this hasn’t happened. As I sit here in Booths coffee shop awaiting my train I’m trying to convince myself I’ll do it when I get home. We’ll see.

See you next week and hopefully I’ll be feeling a tad happier with life then.

Nici x

Edited to add : I was in the pub by 9pm 🙂

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6 responses

  1. You’ll have an awesome time when it finally gets to July 😉
    Tough to run when the world feels upsidedown. It can feel like the running mojo is hiding out in the woods, watching/waiting for you to get out for a run to find it, ha!!
    Have fun with the other reccies 😉

  2. Broken hearts are not good, and unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to fix yours because I don’t know how to fix my own ) o : I run for miles every week trying to leave the sad times behind me but I can’t outrun them – and yes, races can be lonely despite being surrounded by many others… however, I’ll keep running and turning every corner because who knows what’s around the next one? A big pile of boxes with two mended hearts inside perhaps – one with your name on it and the other with mine – all we have to do is chuck all the boxes up in the air, make a big mess and find ours. – simples ( o : Keep running kiddo – life is better in a pair of trainers xxx

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