Week 25.5 of 48 : Quitting?

Nothing is working right now. So there is no point posting lasts weeks training blog.

Quite simply I am fed up.  I’m not enjoying this anymore and because of that I am not putting proper effort into the sessions and then I’m enjoying it even less and so then putting even less effort in …..spiral downwards basically.  I’m finding it quite easy to skip sessions with little guilt.

I’ve gotten to where my fitness has gone backwards so it’s even easier to skip them and I’m so miserable with this weight gain.  I mean really miserable.  I’m eating because I’m miserable and I’m miserable because I’m eating.

I realise all of the above is nobody’s fault but mine and that’s what makes it worse.  I could cry

That ^ is what I said in a message to Eddie.  I didn’t want to quit but I just couldn’t go on letting her waste her time on me.  I had been dreading the conversation and have been putting it off for at least two weeks.

Her response was the following :

Well, that all makes sense and of course no surprise.  You have reached a point now where we need to make some decisions and ask some questions.  We have all been there.  We will have a good chin wag later.  Don’t worry, we will make you a happy runner again – it’s my specialty

So I sat with dread waiting for that phone call but I really shouldn’t have done.  We spent a good 45 minutes going through the past few months and finding where I shifted from enthusiasm to drudgery.  We discussed what do I really want.  We talked about managing my goals and my expectations of myself.

We stripped my schedule right back to basics and with a strict structure.  We made some decisions.

  1. I will not be doing the St Oswalds Way 100 in September.  I am not excited about it as an event and as sad as this sounds I have been dreading it as the key folks who I wanted to crew me are not all available and that is a lonely 100 miles so far from home with no crew or local support.  I don’t really care to hear how others can do it without a soul to help them … I will need support and it was mentally upsetting me to think I would have none.  I am not backing out of doing the 100 so I’ll thank none of you to think that.  I am being sensible and making sure I find one I am excited about.  I want to be as excited as I am about Lakeland 50.
  2. I will not be doing the Kent Road Runner marathon even though it’s absolutely my favourite marathon.  I was going to try and do that on the Saturday and then head up to the Lakes for a recce but I need to be realistic.  It is more important for me to put my all into LL50 training as I have never been so excited about anything (except gin).
  3. I will not go on some stupid crash diet but I will be aware of my eating habits and my mood.  I will work on managing that aspect of things.
  4. I will follow to the letter the instructions on my plan.  Apparently if someone gets seriously hurt on site that is no excuse and if someone actually dares to die then we will discuss the possibility of being flexible but no guarantees.
  5. I will be my number 1 fan.  Yes, I rolled my eyes too-  she even told me to put that on my fridge.

So there you have it.  Warts and all.  I am on a tightrope right now but I feel a little lighter with the 100 issue discussed.  Sometimes when we (I) let things rattle around in my head for too long without sounding them out to anyone they can become a bigger monster than they need to be.  I am not someone who shares my internal raging battles.  I’ll share with all the world the Nici’isms that make up my ever amusing daily life but tell you when I’m falling apart and that depression is rearing its head?  Not likely.

Anyway, enough of all that.  I now have to plan my run home.  I have instructions to recce a route and put markers up.  I’m hoping she’s joking on the marking bit … City of London may not smile.

As a reward for making you read all that tosh up there … have a picture of me dressed as a cow for a marathon last week.

Cow

Nici x

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3 responses

  1. NNnooooooooooo!!!!! Dang it!! Sigh! A very honest assessment of yourself which sounds very raw. I signed up to the same event in the vain hope I might tag along with you and sneakily enjoy some of your support. PLEASE do not read that as – GUILT TRIP – I’m a tough nut and will keep training and trying to get better. Even if the 100 miles may seem further away than ever – HA no pun intended!!. There’s other events that will entertain and make you feel incredibly lucky that you CAN run!
    BIG HUGS xxxxxx
    You will LOVE LL50. Can’t wait to have a go again in 2016. The ultra that started all of this marathon/ultra business for me!!

  2. Nicci, you can’t imagine how much what you wrote resonates! You will get there, you have a sound plan to improve and enjoy your running again. Eddie is brilliant and I can’t thank you enough for introducing her to me indirectly thanks to your excellent blog. Keep smiling x

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